I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
