My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Be still, my beating vagina.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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