my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
