i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
don't judge my taste in strippers
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
