Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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