saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
handjob tips. give me some.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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