Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
