Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
