Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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