I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
