they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
