the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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