eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
