i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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