No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We're too hungover to prance.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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