I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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