i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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