sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
