i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
