The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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