If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
