I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You made out with two different species that night
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
