Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
