Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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