i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
