the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
