i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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