she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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