from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
