i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
