I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
