He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
