Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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