My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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