I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
