I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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