Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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