I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
