So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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