What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
