a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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