I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
