She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
