I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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