Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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