so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
