dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
