I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
And then my night got REAL pukey
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
