if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My cat gives me a boner
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
