No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
And then my night got REAL pukey
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
