Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
NoShamevember. You game?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
